QUID HAS HEARD that there’s controversy brewing over who’s burning the beans in Aurora for the Republican nominee for governor. It seems that sometimes phone exorcist and sometimes GOP gubernatorial candidate Victor Don’t-Call-Me-Karl Marx is now a full time merchenary on the campaign finance down-low. The Next at 9News pests outed the Marx campaign for launching a donations website dressed up as a campaign merchandise store. Marx told people in this world and the next during a stream thing that his online merch store would allow for unlimited and unregulated campaign donations. “They can order as much as they want. That will really help us.” The report immediately prompted complaints with the Colorado Secretary of State, at least one from a fellow Republican, pointing out that Marx essentially admitted to trying to do an end-run around campaign contribution laws. The bigger news for local oglers of this incredible political poop show is the merchenary schwag show at victor2026merch.com. Marx does not X the spot anywhere on here. If you’re looking to proudly portray your Marxism for governor, fuhget about it. It’s all about Victor-ish branding so as not to confuse the confused who think a candidate few if any elected Colorado Republicans have agreed to endorse or support is a good idea. The store is chucked full of Victor t-shirts, caps and “dangerous conservative” stickers. Your affiant affirms extreme disappointment that there is not for sale on the schwag site any potions or apparatus for conducting exorcisms or enemas, live or on the phone. But one oddball schwag bag of coffee stands out. For $25 plus shipping, voters feeling Marxy can get themselves 12 ounces of The Victor Marx Brew. It’s tabbed as “a bold, premium coffee that means business.” And where do these beans, beans the magical fruits come from? Ethiopia and Guatemala by way of Aurora. Yup, someone in the land of endless Democrats and progressives is toasting Marxist beans in hopes of either giving Colorado back or taking it back or taking it out or something. The problem is, no one is spilling the beans on who’s that fired up for Marx right here in A-town.

And that’s all the news that fits.

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